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Triad Crashes Club Evolution

Club Evolution's grand opening was spoiled this evening, when the Heavenly Thunder Triad (HTT) showed up in force. Apparently, the Triad was trying to forcibly negotiate an acquistion of the Club's unique dimensional technologies. When their "offer" was refused, a fierce battle broke out that resulted in the destabilization of Club Evo's dimensional integrity.

Several onsite Novas and club staff quickly evacuated hundreds of baseline clubgoers to ensure their health and safety. Fortunately, it appears that injuries to the club's visitors were kept to a minimum.

The Heavenly Thunder Triad was not as fortunate. Our onsite source indicates that at least 5 Triad Novas are confirmed dead. The Nova known as Gabriel is strongly suspected to be involved in the deaths of these Triad members. He was last seen leaving the scene of the violence at Club Evo. Our astute research staff also informs us that there appears to be a long history of violence between Gabriel and HTT members Earth Tiger and Ho Kai Yeun.

If you have any information or tips concerning the suspicious activities of Gabriel or of the Triad, you are encouraged to contact your local authorities or call the Church's confidential tip line at 1-800-STOP-SIN.

Our onsite correspondent has yet to receive an official comment from Evolution Club owner Rook, on the subject of the "Opening Night Fiasco". But he assures us that he will remind the owner, it is best to 'reassure' the public of the club's safety, in the interest of continued profits.

The Medellin Menace

The day started at Ben's St Francis animal sanctuary. I noticed two heavily injured people in the distance, a lumberjack and a costumed woman.

I let the other novas know where I saw them, then headed off to investigate. It turned out that the heavily injured woman was Miss Canada. Ben healed both people by hugging them to himself.

We found out from Miss Canada that the Magnificent Mountie had been kidnapped and that the Demolisher might also be in serious trouble. They had been ambushed by the Medellin.

We went to investigate and first found the Mountie's horse. Before long we discovered that the Demolisher was under the lake. When we went down to investigate we found that he had been immobolized by rubble and an oil tanker. With some teammwork and a little coordination, Tess Turbo, Ben, and I, effectuated his underwater rescue.

When we returned to the surface I analyzed the scene of the ambush. I concluded that they had left towards the west but had gone through the air. Meanwhile the tanker had started leaking a lot of oil and looked to be a big problem. Miss Tso called in a team from Project Utopia to help with the cleanup. As I was considering the problem of the leaking tanker, I noticed that there was someone inside.

I alerted Tess Turbo, who rescued the trapped nova, after that nova had rendered the tanker invisible, and himself visible. His name turned out to be Cellophane man. He didn't quite go into why he was stuck in the tanker in the first place, but he offered his help in finding the Magnificent Mountie (MM).

Shortly, a team from Utopia arrived to handle the cleanup. We decided to leave them to it, and continue our quest to find MM.

Ben managed to communicate with MM's horse, and soon we were following the horse as it unerringly sought its master. Amazingly enough, the horse was able to fly. Soon we caught up with a private jet that contained MM and 4 Medellin Nova operatives who were his captors.

At first Kelly Tso attempted to commandeer and land the plane, but the Medellin terrorists threatened to kill their captive. So she had to let them go.

The operation from that point changed into a snatch and grab. We used Cellophane man's invisibility power to gain the element of surprise. Kelly Tso lowered the plane into range and to an altitude that would prevent deadly cabin depressurization.
Tess Turbo then leapt, smashed a hole into the plane where I indicated MM was being held, and pulled him out. His mount caught him easily.

I immobilized their leader with holy fire to buy some time. Once MM was safely out I flew out the hole, but not before one of the Medellin operatives, a polar bear-like Nova took a nasty swipe at me with his claws and took a big chunk out of me.



I had to admit that hurt quite a bit, but the operation had been a success. Without a hostage to threaten, the enemy Novas had no bargaining chips left. Kelly Tso forced their plane to land and the authorities took them into custody. MM thanked us for rescuing him.

Ben offered to heal me but made some weird comment about how I would feel about accepting a hug from a sodomite. I merely gritted my teeth and said it would be fine. Besides, I believed that Ben might still be saved if he would only give up certain sinful practices.

After that the team split up. Ben and some other Novas went to help clean up the oil slick and rescue any animals in need. Myself, Cellophane Man, and Kelly Tso decided to investigate the plane and the kidnappers.

We found evidence of contraband on the plane. When the interrogation of the kidnappers had progressed to the point where they were about to crack and tell all, a horrible thing happened. They all dissolved into puddles of biological goo. From what I saw, I surmised some type of biological time bomb. Much like a cyanide capsule, but much much worse.

From the clues we got from the terrorist's cellphone we surmised they must have contacts/operatives in New Hope Canada, New Mexico City Mexico, and Sao Paulo Brazil.
We decided to investigate their operations in nearby New Hope which is located in New Brunswick.

We investigated the town of New Hope under cover of invisibility and discovered a large scale illegal operation in effect. Once we got to the warehouses we found the hard evidence in the form of drugs, weapons, and illegal nova tech.

After gathering the intel, rather than try to take on the entire cartel, we decided to regroup and inform our teammates what we had found. After a while, the rest of the group arrived and we filled them in with the details. MM and Kelly Tso called for reinforcements.

Eventually Ivy arrived. We had to fill her in on the details again, making clear that the evidence we found on the plane clearly matched what we had found in the warehouses, thus linking this operation directly to the Medellin. Ivy decided to call in additional support.

While we were waiting for Team2Morrow to arrive, Ben successfully instigated a verbal argument with me. Here is how it went.

Dante: "By the way we can add 4 confirmed nova murders to the list of Medellin crimes. They killed their own operatives when they started to talk. I believe some kind of implanted biological sel-destruct. Very messy stuff."
Ben: "I wonder if they put similar devices in the townspeople..?"
Dante: "I have no idea, I'm not a biology specialist, all I saw were the results."
Dante: "Although it would be a lot of work to try to do that to an entire town, so probably not."
Ben: "Not if it was done gradually."
Ben: "I'm sure this operation didn't just spring up overnight."
Dante: "Now who's more paranoid of human nature? Maybe you are starting to learn after all, Ben."
Ben: "Excuse me?"
Ben: "I'm making the case that the townspeople are being forced to comply. You seem to think they just decided to go along for the money."
Ben: "I don't know what the Vatican teaches you, but I've been taught that most people are good at heart."
Dante: "I have no particular reason to know their motives, having not talked to the townspeople. But I do bet that the bad men with guns are getting paid."
Ben: "Whatever. Don't talk down to me again."
Dante: "Don't presume to preach to me and don't presume that everyone is as naive as you are about the evils of the world."
Dante: "One who lives in sin, should not be teaching others on how to act or think."
Ben: "....."
Ben: "What the f*ck did you just say to me?"
Dante: "Will you strike me down now, because I speak the inconvenient truth? If not, shut up and go about your business."
Ben: "I need to go for a walk."
Ben: "Excuse me."

I hoped that meant that Ben would begin to reconsider the error of his sinful ways, but I wasn't counting on it. Clearly, sometime in the future I will have to take more active steps to save Ben's soul. God is willing to forgive, but first Ben must begin to correct his sinful ways, starting with abstinence.

After that incident, the raid on the Medellin controlled warehouses began. My team included myself, Slipstream, Ana Grace, Cellophane man, and Kelly Tso. When we entered the warehouse it looked like we had been tipped off as the workers were working doubletime to evacuate with the illegal contraband that we would need as proof of their illicit operation.

The raid started out auspiciously enough as Ana Grace, with her amazing speed, disarmed all the men and sealed all the exits. That would prevent the escape with the evidence. However it turned ugly from there as the warehouse workers metamorphosed into fishlike beings. Slipstream and Ana Grace cleaned up most of the fish minions.



I struck the foreman with holy fire, knocking him down. But when he arose again he revealed his true horrific form, a mass of writhing tentacles. There was also a crazy looking cult fanatic who challenged me. I made note of his pagan symbol for later research. There was a third evildoer with strange powers who turned himself invisible. Even with my extraordinary senses it was difficult to keep track of exactly where he was. I had more pressing concerns than the invisible man to deal with though.

The most pressing of those concerns was dealt with when the tentacle being was impaled by an invisible forklift. I then smote the pagan cultist with God's Wrath. He promptly fell unconscious. The erstwhile invisible man was brought in unconscious by Slipstream. Perhaps she had tracked him down with her nose.

And then it happened. The defeated Medellin operatives started melting down into biological goo. Ben then burst onto the scene and wrapped one melting pile into a hug. He managed to save the teenage girl, but fell unconscious afterwards. I remarked that saving even one was a good start, but it would be better to find the cure for this whole epidemic. I took a sample of goo to be analyzed by the Vatican labs.

I also congratulated the other members of the team for a job well done. It was when Ben still didn't wake up after quite a bit that I got concerned. I called for a medic and alerted Kelly Tso of the problem. Eventually a medic came for Ben and the girl.

I prayed silently for them both. I knew the girl was innocent, but I really hoped Ben would survive, as he had not yet repented for all his sins. I made a mental note to myself to send to him a fruit basket with a pocket bible at his hospital room.

But as usual the day ended with the media swarming the scene. I knew it was my duty to alert the world of the Medellin menace! When the press got to me, I held aloft the vial of human goo, the ultimate proof of the Medellin's sins and proclaimed, "The Medellin - Bioterrorists, need I say more?"

I then proceeded to give interviews to church approved press, making sure they were impressed with the urgency of stopping the Medellin's atrocities against humanity.

At the end of the day, I was saddened that we had not been able to save everyone, but I was encouraged that so many people had worked together to stop the wicked Medellin. Wherever there is evil in this world, there must be those fighting to wipe it out!

Modern day Slavers - Meet the Directive

Today we have breaking news that will shock and outrage you!

Perhaps some of you have heard of a shadowy organization known as the Directive. But have you also heard that this organization EXPLOITS novas and uses them as slave labor for their hidden bases?

SLAVERY violates the Geneva convention, which makes it clearly unlawful. It has also long been condemned as evil by the Catholic Church. For example, in 1462 Pope Pious II declared slavery to be "magnum scelus" - (a great crime). This means that those who engage in slavery are defying church edict, making themselves the sinful enemies of god. Dear readers, I think we can all agree that slavery is a wicked act that should not be allowed to exist anywhere in the modern civilized world.

Let the Directive know that their crimes against humanity will no longer be tolerated. Write your congressmen, parliament, or other government officers. Organize local protests and marches against the Directive. Let them know, that their vile practices are not welcome in today's world!

And now we get to the heart of today's shocking story, interviews with actual escapees of the Directive's slavery. To protect them from further Directive oppression their true names will be supressed, we will refer to our first escapee from the Directive's clutches as Mr. A.

Dante: Mr. A, thank you for joining us. Please can you tell us about what the Directive had you do when you were imprisoned in their facility?
A: It's a little embarrassing... They made me poo.
Dante: They made you poo?
A: Yes... you see I poo fissionable materials.
Dante: My dear god, you mean you literally poop plutonium?
A: Yes, that's right. It was so embarassing and humiliating. But every day without fail they would force me to poo, and then harvest my poo.
Dante: This is outrageous! Were you compensated for your... poo in anyway shape or form or were you forced to do this against your free will?
A: Well I had to poop for them, or they wouldn't give me food to eat. We were kept imprisoned in cells. No I wasn't paid a single nickel for my poo.
Dante: That is just sad and wrong on so many levels. Rest assured my friend, you will be kept safe from the Directive, and there will be justice for this outrage against humanity!
A: *sobs* I didn't want to (help them) but I couldn't help it...
Dante: There you have it. The Directive - a monstrous organization that forces Novas to... poo. Will they stop at nothing?

I was most shocked and appalled after my interview with Mr. A. But what is more disturbing is the implications of the radioactive poo. The Directive had an endless daily source of plutonium in their hands. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that you can use plutonium to make nuclear bombs. In other words, the Directive may now have a stockpile of Weapons of Mass Destruction!

So let's recap. There is a highly secretive organization out there that calls themselves the Directive. We have found out that they have enslaved Novas, used them against their wills, and to top it off they may be in possession of Weapons of Mass Destruction, nuclear warheads made from plutonium. We don't know for sure who they are, or what their purpose is, but we do know they can't be up to any good if they enslave people, force them to poo, and then create nuclear bombs with that poo!



Look at the picture to the right closely and think, that could be my hometown next. Who knows when or where the Directive could strike with their deadly nuclear arsenal?

Because the national security of the world is at stake, I strongly urge that the Directive be forced to allow neutral inspectors from the Vatican, the UN, and Utopia to search ALL Directive facilities for Weapons of Mass Destruction. Any Nukes found must immediately be confiscated, and if any more enslaved persons are found during these inspections, they must be freed as well!

Contact everyone you know. Urge your president or prime minister to act now! The Directive threat must be STOPPED! Nations of the world, if you are aware of a Directive Facility within your borders, it is imperative that you force them to allow these inspections. Not only do you not want your own citizens to end up irradiated and dying, but it would reflect badly on your nation if nuclear weapons were seen launched from YOUR geographical location! In fact it would likely be seen as an act of WAR.

But it doesn't end there folks. Our final interview is with a young teenage child who was recently freed from Directive slavery! We will refer to this boy as B for the purposes of the interview.

Dante: B, thank you for accepting this interview. I know the trauma must still be fresh with you but try to do your best. Please tell me a little about what the Directive put you through.
B: They told me that Novas were bad, that Novas were monsters that needed to be put away.
Dante: But you, yourself are a Nova. Did that confuse you?
B: Yes... but I dunno. They just told me the bad men had to be put away, locked up!
Dante: And where did they lock up these bad men?
B: Well some of them were put in cells next to mine. But the worst ones, they locked them up inside my head...
Dante: Inside your head?
B: Yes, their minds were prisoners inside my head.
Dante: And how did that make you feel?
B: It was awful. They kept yelling at me that they wanted out, and some of them made really nasty, scary threats to me. But I was told I could never let them go... *sob* I could never let the bad men out!
Dante: That's truly horrible. You poor child. And the Directive was forcing you to do this?
B: I was told, it was the right thing to do...
Dante: Well there you have it. The Directive - abusers of innocent children and modern day slavers. Where will the madness end?

You have now heard the true stories of the Directive's incarceration of innocent people, child abuse, and forced labor. Is there any doubt that the Directive is an evil organization that must be stopped now, before it is too late? There is none! Do you feel secure in your own home with the thought that such unlawful and immoral men may have Nuclear Weapons at their fingertips? Of course not! Should we wait in fear for the Directive to snatch away our innocent children? I daresay no!

So act now! Rise up and join the protests against the Directive. Urge your national governments to take action to prevent Nuclear Armageddon! Let's abolish slavery in the modern world once and for all, and along the way end the Deadly Threat to our very lives that the Directive poses!!

If the evil be hidden, let it be rooted out to see the Light of Day and the Judgment of the World's Courts. If the evil be in plain sight, strike it down before it can deal more harm to our precious world and to our innocent children!

I urge you again fellow citizens of the world, act now to bring down the Directive! Not only is it the RIGHT thing to do, it is the SMART thing to do!

"Ad pacem in Terris" - (To Peace on Earth)

The Future is Here

Dante: I'm here to introduce Mr. Brandon Jacobs, the chairman of the newly formed Heaven Incorporated.
BJ: Thank you for the kind introduction Dante. As you know the Vatican has recently formed a partnership with my company in order to market the new Angelus (tm) processor.

Dante: Tell me more about it.
BJ: The Angelus (tm) Processor represents a breakthrough for the computer industry! It is 10-20 times faster than anything currently available on the modern PC market, and we can offer it at half the price of current top of the line CPUs.

Dante: Faster than even the best chips Intel or AMD has to offer?
BJ: Undoubtedly. The benchmarks don't lie. The Angelus (tm) processor blows the doors off the competition. It's all thanks to its 3D data processing model. Adding that 3rd dimension to the data allows the Angelus (tm) processor to take advantage of that odd paradox that is only apparent in 3D, that sometimes the shortest distance between 2 points is actually a curve and not a straight line.

Dante: Well that certainly sounds amazing.
BJ: That's only the beginning! The Angelus (tm) processor also features Circular Logic (tm), this allows it to rapidly jump to conclusions based on the data it is processing. Once the conclusion has been jumped to, it is much faster to check if it is correct rather than to have gone through all the previous calculation steps. This saves a tremendous amount of time for the end user.

Dante: So what does this translate to for the real world?
BJ: This means that consumers can buy the world's fastest CPU for a very reasonable price. Our market analysts have already predicted that the Angelus (tm) processor will seize a 25% share of the market in the opening year alone. And in a few more years, Heaven's Angelus (tm) processor may outsell Intel and AMD combined!

Dante: Can you tell us what the proceeds of the sales will be used for?
BJ: Well I'm glad you asked that question, Dante. Every time an Angelus (tm) processor is sold, a certain amount of royalties will be paid to the Vatican. The Vatican then uses these monies to pay for Church expenses as well as its numerous charitable programs.

Dante: In other words, buying an Angelus (tm) processor is like tithing to the Church or donating to a charity?
BJ: That's right, Dante. By buying the Angelus (tm) processor, you're not only getting the fastest CPU on the market today, you're also contributing to a charitable cause!

Dante: Well that does sound great, but will today's software be able to handle the Angelus (tm) chip?
BJ: I'm glad you asked that. The Angelus (tm) chip features Talk Down (tm) compatibility. It can take 2D data in, process it in 3D, then translate the data to a 2D stream that the software can understand. It works with all modern software operating systems including Windows, Mac, Unix, and many others. And the amazing part is that it maintains 80% efficiency even when talking to non-native 2D programs. Imagine the performance breakthroughs you'd see with a native 3D operating system.

Dante: So you're saying that the Angelus (tm) chip can adapt to any operating system the user wants?
BJ: That's right, because at Heaven Inc., we believe that the customer's needs are paramount. In fact the Angelus (tm) CPU is the first chip in the world to include Babel Talk (tm), a built-in international language decoder. This allows it to adjust to and understand the language that the end user is typing in, on the fly.

Dante: Well there you have it. Move aside Intel and AMD, the fastest chip in the world, the Angelus (tm) processor, has arrived. If you are a devout Christian who wishes to donate to the Church, it behooves you to buy one today!
BJ: Look for it in a store near you. You'll know that the computer has a genuine Angelus (tm) chip by the "Heaven Inside" (tm) logo!



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You too can be Saved

I know that today's world is a confusing and frightening place. What are these Novas? What role do they play in our world? Are they gods or devils?


I am here to offer you guidance, and yes salvation. The salvation that our savior Jesus Christ paid to obtain for all of us with his own life.


The first step to salvation is right thinking. To find the proper mode of thought you need only look to my column and to the edicts of the Vatican.


The Roman Catholic Church has long been the shepherd of souls and the gateway to heaven. The Church has only the well being of the human race and the salvation of souls as its mission.
It has also worked tirelessly over the ages to ameliorate suffering and the human condition through its numerous charities and good works. Its goodness speaks for itself.


The real danger in this new "information age" is the propogation of false ideas and false idols.


The first false idol to strike down is the idea of Novas as gods. Novas are mortals just like everyone else, they just happen to be endowed with exceptional powers. Do not worship them, for that is the way to idolatry and ultimately the sulfuric burning bowels of hell. Find solace, comfort, and worship in the One True God, the god that the Catholic Church has acknowledged and embraced for millenia. Whether a Nova is evil or good is determined by their own actions and their ideology rather than their powers. A sword in itself is not evil, but a sword used to strike down an innocent being, has been made to accomplish evil by the action of its bearer.


The other source of false ideology that we must clearly denounce is the so called "Church of Michael Archangel." This new cult has merely bred a culture of hate and distrust. I must emphasize that the Roman Catholic Church does not recognize this cult in any way as a true religion. Those who participate in worship through the Church of Michael Archangel are committing heresy and idolatry. If you have a friend or a loved one who is engaged in false worship of the "Church of Michael Archangel", for the sakes of their immortal souls, please convince them to stop this foolishness immediately. Instead have them visit a priest of a local Catholic Church so that they can be absolved of their sins, seek confession, and be set on the true path of righteousness.


The emergence of Novas in today's world is clearly a sign that the battle between good and evil is escalating to new heights. But be not afraid, you can find guidance and salvation in the halls of your local Catholic Church. The men of the cloth are mightier than men with guns or even men with ray beams, this is because they can offer you eternal life in heaven. Compared to that eternal spiritual power, the sword is meek, and the pen is merely a servant. May the One True God be with you, good readers.